In Defense of Librarians; the Library of Human Souls
Mark J. Lovas
COPYLEFT 2012; all rights reserved
(Permission to copy and distribute is allowed strictly for educational or cultural purposes only, so long as authorship is acknowledged; copying or sharing involving commercial interests is strictly forbidden.)
The two librarians—whose names no one knows-- sit on either sides of the Great Monitor. I would like to say that they are nick-named “Tweedle Dum” and “Tweedle Dee”. But by doing so I would only reveal my own weakness and fear. By giving them such names I express my contempt for them, but that contempt is mingled with fear and resentment. But fear is not respect, and the two should never be confused.
The Nameless Librarians sit on either side of the Great Monitor. The screen faces away from library patrons, and no patron has ever seen what is actually displayed there. Theories abound. Are the two great librarians surveying the souls of those who enter? Plugging seemingly trivial details into the mind which resides within the Great Super-Computer to which their desktops are connected, producing as output a detailed character analysis? Or, perhaps, they are reading newspapers from foreign lands? Or, might they have a direct line to the government’s security services, and derive from it a perfect summary of the most intimate details of every patron---including a report of the last time he or she brushed his or her teeth and changed his or her underwear?
Often patrons do not even get past the sight of the two librarians, but are stunned into silence, their motion halted as they contemplate the austere and dreadful majesty of the two men, who sit smiling, confident in their knowledge that they have access to the information about each patron, information about that very patron which he or she could not imagine. Even today skilled mathematicians have derived algorithms which, it is said, can take as input the condition of a patron’s underwear, and derive from it not only a prediction about their favorite books and movies, but also all of their shopping habits and their sexual preferences and perversions in such great detail that no one could actually find time to read it all, if it were ever actually written down in one place.
It is not, however, ever written down in one place.—And that is for very good Security Reasons.
Rather, the information gatherers who we never meet, but are surely behind the behavior of the two guardians of the library........But here, I must pause.
Oh gentle reader, you may weary of my descriptions of the behind the scene action, and wish only to hear about actual human being, the foolish puppet toys whose strings are pulled by our information tyrants, our information madmen.
I too yearn for the gentle touch of fingers upon my skin, but, Alas!, this is a Puritan country, where touch deprivation is an obligatory right of all sentient beings.
You may think that the amount of information contained in even the most super computer still cannot allow definite predictions about what you will do next. But, unfortunately, we can’t be sure because the librarians in this and all libraries jealously guard the secrets to which they have access.
The computers at the library, naturally enough, connect to the twenty-six branches of State Security responsible for monitor and control of the populace—or, “happiness propagation” in a more technical language. And, it is for that reason that librarians today around the world regard themselves as a more important breed than ever before in the history of our species.
They recoil in horror at those who call them mere “technocrats”, and instead prefer the appellation “engineer of human souls”. Although they do not know the origin of that phrase, they say that it has a nice, professional ring to it. (I am getting a bit ahead of myself; but, this is an instance of the powerful Aesthetics of Librarianship, Information Provision and Revision.)
How, you may well ask, can a mere librarian deserve so noble a description? Don’t they just help you find a book or a web site?
Today each librarian is supplied with a profile of potential troublemakers, labeled “threats to stability” (TTS). As each patron enters, they are immediately placed into one of three categories. Further sub-classification will follow later.
(Indeed, there are rumors that cameras outside the building already begin to scan the potential patron’s face as soon as the light falls upon it at the right angle.)
It is no longer necessary to know what kinds of books a patron checks out or reads. It is not necessary to follow their browsing habits. It is enough to consider their clothing, the dynamics of their gait, and other details far below conscious awareness. All patrons are filmed as they proceed through the library.
As noted above, many scholarly treatises have been composed on the subject of the computer sitting between Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Some say the screen always changes, with a variety of stimulating screen savers. Others say that the screen is actually blank. However, when TDee and TDum wink and nod to one another (hand gestures seem to be strictly forbidden, but other forms of non-verbal communication-- such as stamping of the feet or pounding of the fists as well as winks and nods-- occur almost without pause), they also sometimes seem to gesture in the direction of the computer monitor which separates them. Their facial gestures possess a curious power. Sometimes patrons enter the library with complete confidence and freedom from fear; but, when they see the librarians laughing and eyeing them from head to toe, many turn around and run away, lurching with an awkward backward motion, away from the librarians and toward the doors through which they have just entered. Many frightened patrons smash themselves against the doors. Others freeze, and seem to lose all power to control their bodies, slumping to the floor unconscious. What happens when they regain consciousness is not known. I myself have never been able to proceed further into the library than the space between the entrance door and the desk of the librarian pair. I don’t remember what happened after that.
Another debate concerns the actual number of librarians sitting in front of the entrance. Some say that the librarians are sets of twins--twins in order to preserve the appearance of continuity even when there has been a change of guard. Others suggest that long ago, the original pair of librarians were replaced by robotic substitutes. That would explain why the librarians never actually communicate directly with patrons; however, there is a powerful community of scholars who say that they have actually spoken with the librarians. The enormous size of this community which might be explained either by the influence of State Security (and especially its generous financing) or by the fact that they have spoken with the two librarians. However, as I find the gaze and gestures of the librarians so overwhelming, I cannot imagine actually speaking to them.
I myself once yearned to be a librarian. At an early age my mother explained to me that the intelligence of a librarian is inversely proportional to their slumped posture and the greasiness of their hair. The better dressed among the staff are actually not permanent employees at all, and do not have unrestricted access to all of the privileges of State Security.
I was not able to pass even the most preliminary tests which are needed to begin the first of eight stages of training. (There is a rumor that even the publicly know eight stages can be sub-divided into various exams and challenges which the would-be librarian must face, leading to an enormous number of steps.)
The training of future librarians includes not only tests of their loyalty to the State, but also tests of their physical endurance, and their aesthetic taste. The highest levels of librarianship require the candidates to sit for hours every day watching movies produced by one of the many sub-divisions of State Security. (There is, in fact, an organizational chart for State Security displayed in every library; however it is coded so that it appears to the naive eye to be directions for the bathroom, or how to operate the highly efficient dryers in the bathroom, or how to use the toilet paper in the most ecological fashion.)
Would-be librarians have several routes to entering the profession, and once in the profession, they are given several career paths to follow. Those trainees who elicit the correct reactions while watching State Security propaganda films are immediately given a higher status, and begin to make movies themselves within weeks of passing their final exams. Others choose to engage in the manipulation and correction of texts. “Texts” here does not mean merely books, but all forms of information. As soon as an event occurs, it is necessary to consult the canonical list of possible events. Nothing occurs which is not on the list. In one of the earliest and primitive versions of Event Analysis, a citizen cannot, for example, be dissatisfied with a purchase. A citizen could only regret that they did not have the financial wherewithall to purchase a quality product. So anger at the product or its producers and distributors would be immediately converted into guilt and a feeling of personal inadequacy.
That was, however, merely an initial proposal, a sub-theme for movies and news stories, which was soon widely accepted, repeated, and developed. Today the librarian who corrects texts has moved many steps beyond that classical and less sophisticated version of Information Provision.
As I reflect upon these themes of the greatness of information and the majesty of its provision, I confess, dear reader, that my heart is heavy. I never entered the illustrious profession of librarian. And whenever I walk past one of the great edifices of the science, I experience regret. However, today I am starting a training course for library patrons. It is not expensive and promises to help me fit into the library system, to play a humble part within the noble adventure of information control and provision, even information revision. I am only learning about the subject, but they say I will be so re-configured that my mind will automatically and without effort be able to satisfy the wishes of a librarian even before it has been expressed. In this perfect symbiotic relationship it will no longer be necessary for me to even enter the library. At the earliest inception of a thought, even before it is fully conscious, I will find myself with the longing for a cup of tea, specially brewed by an innovative branch of State Library Security. And, that cup of tea will specifically enable me to sleep, and to dream about a future in which I will be a librarian. I am hopeful that my regret about my professional failure can be replaced by vivid dreams in which I too am a Librarian.
I am not sure how my dreams help the noble activities of Provision and Revision, but I have found it tremendously helpful not to think too much about it, and simply to let the tea work its effects. And, in this way I am confident that I shall attain the happiness for which I have been striving for so many years.
El Paso, Texas
20 April 2012
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